Following are excerpts from my journal as I continue to share my personal crisis.

It’s been four days since the lab test results showed that Allison isn’t doing as “well” as she had been telling us. Her low potassium indicates her purging is out of control. She has not only been dishonest with us, but also with her doctors. They’re recommending she be admitted to a residential facility, away from home, because outside treatment is not working. I feel numb… In an instant, our life as we know it, is changing right in front of us.

~ What are my biggest fears if we put her into a treatment facility?

~ What is the WORST I fear overall?

~ Is it possible she will fully recover? Or is this a lifetime problem she’ll always face?

~ Does it matter what the books or experts may say? Ultimately… WHO REALLY HAS OR KNOWS the answers??!!

Would it make me feel any better or relieved how the experts answered my questions? How do I feel knowing that there are no guarantees – no black or white answers because ultimately it all comes down to Allison herself and what she chooses, minute by minute, day by day, year by year…

Ultimately my biggest fear is that she can die from this “disease” – that she is in for a difficult future… that I cannot help her. And that’s it…

~ THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES

~ I DON’T HAVE CONTROL

~ I AM SCARED!!!!

I can get to a place of fear and guilt wondering what I’ve done to contribute. But I also recognize this direction of thinking is very egocentric!!! Focusing on this then becomes making it about me. And right now, that’s not going to help her at all.

I also fear outside judgment from others.

I fear learning what the emotional component could be that has triggered all of this.

I fear her going away to college in the fall. But for the record, I fear all the unknowns for both Allison and Ryan and their futures. What keeps coming back to me are the plain ol’ facts… And that is, NOTHING

I say

I do

I feel

I wish

I hope for

I want

I need

I fear

I imagine

will change anything! I don’t mean to sound so hopeless or helpless… rather the word surrender comes to me.

What is it I want? Am I asking for something I can’t receive? Is letting go of attachments empowering or giving up? Guess the same could go for having expectations. For some people it’s a motivator, a driver, a direction to head towards.

For others, it disappoints, frustrates, and creates anger and helplessness.

I suppose like everything else in life, what it comes down to is what each person decides to do with what they know, have, believe, and choose. It is our own creation we manifest. What one may see as failure, another sees as opportunity; what one may see as life threatening, another may see as life defining.